Hey You..

Banging my head against the wall
Looking for reasons I’m sure of.
Trying to prove a point,
Breathing,
breathing not,
not anymore.

Walls, I could hear them speak to me,
Witness to my deranged late nights talking to myself.
Their eyes, tired from keeping up.
If I could hear their words I’d hear mine back.

One more glass in the sink
One more thought of being cleaned
Then again who cares?
I’d be swoon once again.

A sweet flicker of lights
Deep liquor of lies
Singing songs of the old
Just missing you.

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away, but never mind, I'll find someone like you.

To my Prime Minister

You realized that you are not Superman, even though you wear your underwear outside your pants, even though you wear a cape from your lovemaking sheets and drive an old chopper with your chin up high 

Believe me, I've tried.

Trying to be a Doraemon for the world, I learn, that there is hurt and fear that can't be fixed by any magical band-aids or magnificent poetry No matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. 

And Milady, I'll tell you, I know all the trick, I'm the eyes in the sky, I've done it a million times. You're just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house and find her, the girl who lost everything in the fire, to see if you can save her. She, who standing on your cape.

There are broken hearts and pain that time won't heal, it cuts so deep into the soul. No matter how hard you tried, how many hours of therapy, how many pills you pop inside your body, how many tears of desperation you shed. It won't go. You will open your hand to catch, and wind up with only blisters and bruises

Yes, I'm naive. Pretty damn one. I know that the world is made out of the sand castle, it can crumble so easily. It is a chess board, you win some you lose some. But we are not the pawn, both you and I are born to build our legacy for the world. Both our name is meant to be written in the history book and stories that pass on generation to generation.

"I am the Prime Minister and You are the President" It is our first line the first time we meet. You, the girl with a small hand and talks with your eyes, always asking for more. A small voice, but never once willing to apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining. We are a warrior.

You know, that you can always find a way back to me, no matter what happened. Life has hit you, hard, in the face. Waiting for you to get back up, just to kick you in the stomach, getting the wind knocked out of you as the only way to remind how much your lungs love the taste of air.

In the time, when it finally hit you, drained you, hand you heartache, slip war and hatred under your doormat and push you to the corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them, they really ought to meet your President.

Vien, Jakarta, June 25, 2019

for the one who said "I want to be the next Prime Minister" back in 2012

She Used To Be Mine

She Used To Be Mine

Sara Bareilles

It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used be, although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm…

If You Could Read My Mind

If you could read my mind,
You’d see a thousand papers
Filled with broken poetries
And deadbeat proses

Full of woeful verses
With mournful pieces
Of unfinished stories
That is yet to be written
And failed to be spoken;

If you could read my mind,
You’d hear horrible screams
And earsplitting weeps
From shattered dreams,
Kept in a nasty notepad,
Scribbled on a bed
Of bloodstained words,
Ringing in my head.

If you could read my mind,
You’d see the shadows
That lurk within me;

If you could read my mind,
You’d feel the tears
I had ever failed to cry;
You’d see the people
That make the weak weaker;
You’d see the monsters
That consumes my head;
You’d hear the hollers
That failed to be freed;
You’d see the heart
That still bleeds and bleeds.

If you could read my mind,

You’d see the face
I’ve failed to show back then,
You’d see a character
I had ever failed to become

If you could read my mind,

You’d be able to read
A book you never wished
To touch and read,

But sometimes I still wish 
Someone could read my mind.

I Said

She is 59.

she lost in her palace

her head is too dark
her life is spinning
but she didn't try to hold tight

just like that
she fell back
and called it a night
that was it
she makes the deal with the devil

she wears scar
reflecting her life
roaring grief
filled with regret

but she’s laughing
thunderously
just minutes
before it turned
into a screaming

I felt the horror
tingling my neck
I am scared
of the truth
that destroys

I said it wasn't her fault
I said she didn't break me
I said the bruises were already there

I said... saved me.

M.O.R.N.I.N.G

I wish I could escape,
from all the demons of mine,
shape a different fate,
at another time.

what's the point of almighty,
sitting upon her mighty crown?
if when she looks down,
she turns my pain up to a notch.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone,
there are demons everywhere,
I know they're mine,
all 13 of them.

some cause wounds,
and make things go terribly wrong
while others sit beside,

licking the scars all day long.

I know it in my head,
but I just can't fight my mind,
cause these demons brings me to life,
in my deepest darkest ecstasy.

so now I sit in silence,
upon this high up edges,
I wonder if I jumped,
would anyone be shocked?

cause no one really sees me,
they often just ignore,
cause I'm just the girl who sees things,
they often just ignore it.

I'm never like the spotlight,
always told that my vision is insane,
so when I take my leap,
the world should hang its head in shame.

and this just morning...

Doraemon Plate

Do you know?

Last night when you told me that your daughter is sick and you don't want me to be worried because I already have a lot on my plate.
and this morning when you said that you were sorry because you thought that you are adding more to my plate.

I feel like the biggest jerk in the world.

Why? because I don't know what I have done to make you felt guilty just by sharing your feeling and mind to me. Baby, even we are no longer together, you are always a part of me and my life, you have been part of it the last 7 years of my life, and I'm in yours.

I may not be beside you at this moment nor can I hug you, but have faith in me, Baby... I have 13 Demons remember? I have the Doraemon kind of plate.



Vien