I Said

She is 59.

she lost in her palace

her head is too dark
her life is spinning
but she didn't try to hold tight

just like that
she fell back
and called it a night
that was it
she makes the deal with the devil

she wears scar
reflecting her life
roaring grief
filled with regret

but she’s laughing
thunderously
just minutes
before it turned
into a screaming

I felt the horror
tingling my neck
I am scared
of the truth
that destroys

I said it wasn't her fault
I said she didn't break me
I said the bruises were already there

I said... saved me.

M.O.R.N.I.N.G

I wish I could escape,
from all the demons of mine,
shape a different fate,
at another time.

what's the point of almighty,
sitting upon her mighty crown?
if when she looks down,
she turns my pain up to a notch.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone,
there are demons everywhere,
I know they're mine,
all 13 of them.

some cause wounds,
and make things go terribly wrong
while others sit beside,

licking the scars all day long.

I know it in my head,
but I just can't fight my mind,
cause these demons brings me to life,
in my deepest darkest ecstasy.

so now I sit in silence,
upon this high up edges,
I wonder if I jumped,
would anyone be shocked?

cause no one really sees me,
they often just ignore,
cause I'm just the girl who sees things,
they often just ignore it.

I'm never like the spotlight,
always told that my vision is insane,
so when I take my leap,
the world should hang its head in shame.

and this just morning...

Doraemon Plate

Do you know?

Last night when you told me that your daughter is sick and you don't want me to be worried because I already have a lot on my plate.
and this morning when you said that you were sorry because you thought that you are adding more to my plate.

I feel like the biggest jerk in the world.

Why? because I don't know what I have done to make you felt guilty just by sharing your feeling and mind to me. Baby, even we are no longer together, you are always a part of me and my life, you have been part of it the last 7 years of my life, and I'm in yours.

I may not be beside you at this moment nor can I hug you, but have faith in me, Baby... I have 13 Demons remember? I have the Doraemon kind of plate.



Vien

Tired

Ever felt tired?

Like existentially tired?

Where you lose the sense of identity, structure, language, reason, being and time.

Where you can't see a destination and you can't find a return. where even when you return its not a return to your self rather it is a turn to a realization that you have lost your self somewhere between "the you" and "the self" and this dichotomy of what call "you" cannot make you feel home anymore.

You run and you keep running, not toward anythinng but away from everything: from people, from rules. from gods, from words, from love, from being you, for forever.

So do you ever feel tired?

I do..

Seems to be..

It seems like it happened this morning, when I meet you..

We just kiss for hours with Jamie voice and his music at the background
and you just smile at me when I sing:
"You never know what you might find
So come and spend some time with me
All at sea"

and now I realize that it happened years ago..
and now it's only me, my boat, my sea and my music..

Juni

2 hari lagi bulan Juni..

ingatkah kau? tapi mungkin kau sedang letih dengan urusan dunia sekarang.. atau mungkin saja diriku yang masih terikat pada kenangan..

Kenangan yang terikat pada putaran waktu dan deraian hujan.

Hampir satu tahun berlalu, dan aku selalu berdoa pada Semesta untuk kebahagian mu dan ku..


29 Mei 2013

31 DAN 13

“Perempuan yang tidak cerdik itu cuma bisa jadi cabo, hostess pelacur!!” begitu jeritnya membahana didalam rumah dan mungkin 3 rumah sekitarnya. Jeritan itu ditujukan kepada 2 orang anak perempuannya, yang satu berusia 31 tahun dan satu lagi 13 tahun.

Tampaknya si 31 ini, dari mulut ibunya sendiri sudah di jeritkan cabo, hostess pelacur sejak dia masih kanak-kanak sepanjang ingatannya. Menjadi sebuah penghayatan di dalam alam pikirannya. Bisa jadi si 31 yang bertubuh besar dan banyak kelebihan lemak tubuh ini adalah hasil dari penolakannya untuk menjadi pelacur, toh.. emang perempuan dengan banyak kelebihan lemak laku? Pikirnya..

Toh dia memang sudah menjadi pelacur sepanjang hidupnya, menjual kebahagiaan hatinya, menjual mimpinya, menjual cita-citanya hingga menjual harga dirinya kepada dunia.